Of wobbly knees and chattering teeth...

The BIG conference in Cannes is two days away and the symptoms are beginning to kick in. My teeth started to chatter yesterday, the knees are distinctly gelatinous and my face has acquired that about-to-burst-into-tears look.

I do envy those who present with panache – people with that mysterious X-factor called Stage Presence. They stroll out onto the stage with hands nonchalantly in pockets, they throw a lazy grin at the audience and are immediately granted complete silence and attention. A wink here, an engaging smile there, a witty remark tossed out casually and off they go. They don’t need to clear their throats to silence the room. They don’t tap repeatedly at the mike to ask if they can be heard (they know they can be). They don’t shuffle their notes anxiously, having misplaced the title slide (there is no visible sign of notes). Their audience can intelligently differentiate their jokes from their brilliant points, and does not mix up applause with laughter.

I, sadly, do not belong to this privileged club.

Not only do I lack the mysterious X-factor, the presence of a stage seems to bring out in me an entirely detestable Y-factor which consists of a carefully measured mix of incoherence, monotony and idiocy. I would come across much better if I could just present from behind a curtain, but for some reason they insist on a clear view of the speaker.

This time, however, things will be different. I have been programming my unconscious for two weeks. For those who belong with me in the Y-factor zone, here are a few instructions I have been sleeping with under my pillow, which would have hopefully seeped by now into my mind and altered my default responses.

• Do not babble. The audience is not filled with morons, and they do not need you to repeat everything thrice and examine it from multiple angles. Also, stories from your childhood will not make the conclusions of your research more forceful.
• Do not, on the other hand, swallow up half your intended presentation. You have 20 minutes to fill up, and if you wrap up in 7 minutes you will face the prospect of standing in agonizing silence for the remaining 13. Should this happen, however, resist all temptation to go back to the first slide and begin again. Hopefully some generous soul will have mercy and ask an intelligent question.
• Do not believe people who say that imagining the audience naked is a cure for stage fright. Sometimes the grotesqueness of the image can actually induce stage fright.
  Remember the mike lurks below your collar. When you curse in an undertone to yourself, you are also speaking to the entire room.
• If you MUST faint in relief after the presentation, it is better done at the chair than at the lectern.
• If they don’t get your joke the first time, don’t repeat it or try explaining it.

As you can see, the preparation this time is strong. So … deep breath, and here goes. Hopefully I will return victorious, having kept Y-factor completely at bay.